1 year, 1 month, & 18 days

...until the day Zeb & I say "I do."

I feel like that day is light years away at this point, but I'm already experiencing mini anxiety attacks. Whenever I think about walking down the isle(which I do all the dang time) I get all panicky & teary-eyed. My heart starts beating out of my chest & I feel an overwhelming sense of fear wash over me. I feel... scared. The reasons behind my anxiety aren't caused by normal wedding woes, as most of you might assume. I don't have cold feet, or a fear of commitment. I'm not afraid of being devoted to one man for the rest of my life. I love Zeb. He's the only part I'm NOT afraid of, truthfully. It's the whole... people-staring-at-me-and-fixated-on-every-single-word-I-say-during-the-ceremony thing that gets me all hot & bothered. If I know myself-which I DO-I'll be a sobbing, snotty mess of emotions from the moment I wake up that day. I know that's almost expected from most brides(and grooms) on their wedding day. Most people find it endearing & beautiful to see couples so emotional about dedicating their lives to one another. The problem with me is... well, I'm not pretty when I cry. I'm the total OPPOSITE of pretty when I cry. I sound like a walrus gasping for air. My nose flares uncontrollably. My mouth makes shapes I've never seen before. Snot parachutes out of my nose like a never-ending waterfall. Words iron themselves out into incoherent outbursts of mumbles no one can possible decode. I'm a hot mess when I cry, so the last thing I want to do is turn into this emotional mess in front of a lot of people. Do I even need to say that public speaking is right up there with snakes & death on my list of phobias? or is that understood? I'm terrified of public speaking. TERRIFIED. So now, I'm suppose to speak out loud... in front of tons of people...in my most vulnerable, insecure state? Ha... Yeah, I just might have a nervous breakdown. Chances of me collapsing are almost guaranteed.



I'm praying I can dig down real deep within the most hidden chambers of my being & find the courage to carry me down the isle (in front of people) on that very special day.

Lord help me.