1 year, 1 month, & 18 days

...until the day Zeb & I say "I do."

I feel like that day is light years away at this point, but I'm already experiencing mini anxiety attacks. Whenever I think about walking down the isle(which I do all the dang time) I get all panicky & teary-eyed. My heart starts beating out of my chest & I feel an overwhelming sense of fear wash over me. I feel... scared. The reasons behind my anxiety aren't caused by normal wedding woes, as most of you might assume. I don't have cold feet, or a fear of commitment. I'm not afraid of being devoted to one man for the rest of my life. I love Zeb. He's the only part I'm NOT afraid of, truthfully. It's the whole... people-staring-at-me-and-fixated-on-every-single-word-I-say-during-the-ceremony thing that gets me all hot & bothered. If I know myself-which I DO-I'll be a sobbing, snotty mess of emotions from the moment I wake up that day. I know that's almost expected from most brides(and grooms) on their wedding day. Most people find it endearing & beautiful to see couples so emotional about dedicating their lives to one another. The problem with me is... well, I'm not pretty when I cry. I'm the total OPPOSITE of pretty when I cry. I sound like a walrus gasping for air. My nose flares uncontrollably. My mouth makes shapes I've never seen before. Snot parachutes out of my nose like a never-ending waterfall. Words iron themselves out into incoherent outbursts of mumbles no one can possible decode. I'm a hot mess when I cry, so the last thing I want to do is turn into this emotional mess in front of a lot of people. Do I even need to say that public speaking is right up there with snakes & death on my list of phobias? or is that understood? I'm terrified of public speaking. TERRIFIED. So now, I'm suppose to speak out loud... in front of tons of people...in my most vulnerable, insecure state? Ha... Yeah, I just might have a nervous breakdown. Chances of me collapsing are almost guaranteed.



I'm praying I can dig down real deep within the most hidden chambers of my being & find the courage to carry me down the isle (in front of people) on that very special day.

Lord help me.

*etta james singing voice* ahem... AAATTT LAAAASSSSTTTT♥

He proposed!

& I screamed "YES! Yes! Oh lawd help me, yes!"

I'm not exactly sure how it went, but I think I sounded a lot like I was being murdered. There were mass amounts of screaming involved. A few thousand calories were burned from jumping up & down like a maniac, too. My jaw was also cemented to the floor the entire time. Then came the waterworks.




IT.WAS.AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!




Now, we've been dating for over 4 years & he finally proposed yesterday... do I even need to explain how deliriously happy I am right now?! I'm in a permanent state of euphoria. I'm doing cart wheels & running around smiling "fiancé! fiancé! I have a fiancé!!!!!"



I'm grinning so much my face hurts.



*swoon*

I am so happy♥ May 19th, 2012 cannot get here fast enough!

Couch Heaven.

It's the little things in life I find profound happiness in. Those little trinkets of joy that are all too often overlooked. Things like... Oh I don't know?... a shiny, new couch I can rest my bones on every night.



Let me just say... If heaven could magically materialize itself into an inanimate object- it'd be this couch. My bum has never felt so comfortable. This cloud-like masterpiece puts our old couch to shame. Actually, it puts it out of it's misery. Our old couch was pretty, I'll give it that. However, I could not have been any less comfortable sitting on it if I had been stapled to the thing. It was a flat-out war between me & that torturous beast every single night. It got ugly. Very ugly. Luckily, the universe sent me the gift of couch paradise before I completely lost the last ounces of sanity I had left.

When I had fully absorbed the prettiness & the coziness of it all, we decided to dress it up with decorative pillows & a freshly painted coffee table. It was the right thing to do. We'd be going against the laws of nature if we denied this couch's beauty. It was born to shine.






Oh, how I love this fluffy & ridiculously comfortable couch.

Our sappy love song.

Yesterday Zeb & I celebrated 4 years together.

Has it really been 4 years since destiny intervened in my mediocre teenage life & sent a straight talkin', curly-headed man walking through the door, inevitably changing my world forever? I mean, c'mon. It can't be. Four years? Already?! I'm having a difficult time wrapping my head around this fact. I think the universe is just messing with me. I mean, if it's really been 4 years, then where the heck have I been? Jupiter? Because I sure as heck haven't been living on this planet. While I've been living in La La land, time has pulled a fast one on me & marched through 4 years of my life before I could even blink. There's just something about this hyperspeed-like transition of time that has shocked me into a genuine existential panic. I feel like I need to pull some giant emergency brake on the universe so I can fully absorb the endless waves of transformation that's rocking my world right now. Or, at least until my head can stop spinning.

Despite my refusal to accept this reality, it really has been 4 years since the day Zeb waltzed into my life like he owned the place. But, because God is so good & the universe is so beautiful... the past 4 years have been ridiculously dreamlike & wonderful. I feel like I've been living in my own modern day fairytale with a Prince Charming made to my exact specifications. I could not have gotten a better guy fit for the job of my happily ever after if I picked him out of a catalog myself. He is enormously kind & genuine. His work ethic is admirable & his creativity is unmatched. He's driven, passionate, & free spirited. He takes care of me in every way imaginable, always going above & beyond to make sure I'm happy. His love for me is immeasurable, potent, & unconditional. I feel safe with him. I'm my truest self with him. And, I love him. I love him more then I could possibly ever explain. I love him more then I have ever loved anything in my entire life. I love him for countless ridiculous reasons. I love his round, flexible, monkey-like feet. I love that he has never quite mastered the correct way to spell any word in the English language. I love that he can never--not for the life of him!--hold a drink in his hands without spilling it all over himself & drowning everything else around him. I love the way he miraculously adopts new languages & accents when he talks in his sleep. (The New Joyzee accent is a personal favorite of mine. I'm also quite fond of his fluent Chinese.) I could go on forever about the many ways & reasons I've grown to absolutely adore this man over the past 4 years, but I'll just leave it at: I just love him. It's as simple and as complex as that. I find immense comfort in just knowing that he exists... that he's decided to share his world with me... that he loves me... that I could love him. The happiness I've felt with him the past 4 years is something I'm forever grateful for... and I can't wait to spend the rest of my years with him. ♥

You gotta have Faith.

I've always been that girl things just kind of... work out for. Life just seems to magically fall into place when I need them to. It's always been that way. I'm not saying these things to boast, I mean it in a strictly matter-of-fact way. It's just the way it is- the way it has always been. It isn't because I just so happen to have a never ending supply of luck in my back pocket, although it might seem that way to some. Things work out for me, because I believe they will. You know that scripture about having faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains? Well, I have faith the size of Texas... & I've moved a lot of mountains in my 22 years. The concept of "sitting, waiting, wishing..." has never been an option for me. My way of thinking is set in constant terms of I can, I will, and I am. I make a habit out of manufacturing my own positive expectations of myself, & my dreams. My unshakable obstinacy of purpose sets flame to all of my goals & aspirations. My determination carries me through, and my faith in God takes care of the rest. It's really as simple as that. It's remarkable what a little faith can do for a person's life. Nothing is impossible when you believe.

NOTHING.



Here... I have proof:

22 And Jesus answered them, “Have faith in God. 23 Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received [1] it, and it will be yours.
Mark 11:22-24.

Living by the faith Jesus talks about has brought me acres of grace & galaxies of blessings. Therefore, I will always believe with every ounce of my being that nothing is impossible. I'm on my own personal journey to see what my dreams are capable of. I've only just scratched the surface on my quest. I've got my sights set to the highest peaks of the highest mountains & I will hold on to my faith through every second of it.

The best has yet to come. I've only just begun<3

The pursuit of happiness.

"Somewhere between the person I am today & the girl I was 5 years ago... are acres of grace"

There is so much truth to that statement when I compare it to my story. My life has evolved into something absolutely wonderful these past 5 years. I never fully realized all of the transformations taking place in my world until just recently. Days went by & it seemed like nothing was changing. It looked as if everything was stuck in limbo. 5 years later... & BAM. EVERYTHING is different. Beautifully different. Exquisitely revolutionized. It's refreshing to feel a true sense of pride for the girl I am today. It's been a long, unforgiving road, but I know I ended up where I needed to be.

In 5 years time, I've managed to find my Prince Charming, purchase a GORGEOUS home, sober up(where I'll happily remain), shed 50 pounds, start my own business, & tackle my all-time dream of becoming a photographer. My outlook on life has drastically improved. My priorities are in order. My feet are planted firmly on the ground. I do what I love & love what I do. I'm head over heels in love & I'm optimistic about the road ahead of me. Most importantly though, I'm happy. Ridiculously & completely happy. That, alone, is a monumental accomplishment. Some people search relentlessly for happiness... any form of happiness really. Other people spend their lives trying to convince themselves they are happy. For once in my life, I don't have to search for happiness. I don't have to force happiness. I am happy.



Genuinely happy.

Fresh Start.

I decided to do a little Spring cleaning of my own & delete all of my previous posts. It was time to do away with the clutter of yesterday & make room for the dreamlike newness of today. With all of the wonderful transformations taking place in my life right now, I felt it was the perfect time for a fresh start.


So, here I am. Locked, loaded, and ready to document my journey towards a shiny, new life.



Ready... Set... Go<3